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Post by FuZzNuT-[TU]- on Feb 19, 2007 15:24:11 GMT -5
Post-Purchase Deity Evaluation Form God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, (S)He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions: 1. How did you find out about your deity?
__ Newspaper __ Bible __ Torah __ Koran __ Television __ Book of Mormon __ Divine Inspiration __ Dead Sea Scrolls __ My Mama Done Tol' Me __ Near Death Experience __ Near Life Experience __ National Public Radio __ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery __ Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model deity did you acquire?
__ Jehovah __ Jesus __ Krishna __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak] __ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak] __ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak] __ Allah __ Satan __ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature __ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer) __ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin) __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes __ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply:
__ Not eternal __ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos __ Not omniscient __ Not omnipotent __ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations) __ Permits sex outside of marriage __ Prohibits sex outside of marriage __ Makes mistakes __ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people __ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people __ Looks after life other than that on Earth __ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched __ Requires burnt offerings __ Requires virgin sacrifices
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply.
__ Indoctrinated by parents __ Needed a reason to live __ Indoctrinated by society __ Needed focus in whom to despise __ Needed focus in whom to love __ Imaginary friend grew up __ Hate to think for myself __ Wanted to meet girls/boys in church __ Fear of death __ Wanted to piss off parents __ Wanted to please parents __ Needed a day away from school or work __ Desperate need for certainty __ Like organ music __ Need to feel morally superior __ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool __ Thought there had to be something other than Jerry Falwell __ @#%$ was falling out of the sky __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
__ Baal __ The Almighty Dollar __ Left Wing Liberalism __ The Radical Right __ Amon Ra __ Beelzebub __ Bill Gates __ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur __ The Great Spirit __ The Great Pumpkin __ The Sun __ The Moon __ The Force __ Cindy Crawford __ Elvis __ A burning shrub __ Psychiatry __ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot __ Lottery __ Astrology __ Television __ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers __ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics __ Palmistry __ Playboy and/or Playgirl __ Self-help books __ Sex, drugs, and rock & roll __ Biorhythms __ Alcohol __ Marijuana __ Bill Clinton __ Tea Leaves __ EST __ Amway __ CompuServe __ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert __ Crystals __ Human sacrifice __ Pyramids __ Wandering around a desert __ Insurance policies __ Burning shrubbery __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Barney Fife __ Other:_____________________ __ None
7. God reputedly employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer? Circle one below:
a. More Divine Intervention b. Less Divine Intervention c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right d. Don't know. e. What's Divine Intervention?
8. God also reputedly attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 your opinion of the handling of the following (1 =unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):
a. Disasters: 1 2 3 4 5 flood 1 2 3 4 5 famine 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake 1 2 3 4 5 war & holocausts 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence 1 2 3 4 5 plague 1 2 3 4 5 Spam 1 2 3 4 5 AOL
b. Miracles: 1 2 3 4 5 rescues 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over tiny towns & previously unknown hamlets 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water 1 2 3 4 5 coincidence of any sort 1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever
9. From time to time God reputedly makes available the names and addresses of Her/His followers and devotees to selected reputedly divine personages who provide quality services and perform intercessions in His behalf. Are you interested in a compilation of listed offerings?
__ Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit of my own mortal soul __ No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious fanatics clamouring for my money
10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)
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Post by spooker on Feb 19, 2007 23:36:23 GMT -5
ahhahahdfhDASHHhahahhHHAHHA
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Post by QuadRaptor on Feb 20, 2007 0:56:45 GMT -5
Post-Purchase Deity Evaluation Form
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, (S)He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions: 1. How did you find out about your deity?
__ Newspaper X Bible __ Torah __ Koran __ Television __ Book of Mormon __ Divine Inspiration __ Dead Sea Scrolls X My Mama Done Tol' Me __ Near Death Experience __ Near Life Experience __ National Public Radio __ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery __ Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model deity did you acquire?
__ Jehovah __ Jesus __ Krishna X Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak] __ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak] __ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak] __ Allah __ Satan __ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature __ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer) __ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin) __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes X No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply:
__ Not eternal __ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos __ Not omniscient __ Not omnipotent __ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations) __ Permits sex outside of marriage X Prohibits sex outside of marriage __ Makes mistakes X Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people X Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people X Looks after life other than that on Earth X When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched __ Requires burnt offerings __ Requires virgin sacrifices
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply.
__ Indoctrinated by parents X Needed a reason to live X Indoctrinated by society __ Needed focus in whom to despise __ Needed focus in whom to love X Imaginary friend grew up __ Hate to think for myself __ Wanted to meet girls/boys in church X Fear of death __ Wanted to piss off parents X Wanted to please parents X Needed a day away from school or work X Desperate need for certainty __ Like organ music __ Need to feel morally superior __ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool __ Thought there had to be something other than Jerry Falwell X @#%$ was falling out of the sky __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
__ Baal __ The Almighty Dollar __ Left Wing Liberalism __ The Radical Right X Amon Ra __ Beelzebub __ Bill Gates __ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur __ The Great Spirit __ The Great Pumpkin __ The Sun __ The Moon __ The Force __ Cindy Crawford __ Elvis __ A burning shrub __ Psychiatry X Other: A plush goat named Victor
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot __ Lottery __ Astrology X Television X Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers __ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics __ Palmistry X Playboy and/or Playgirl __ Self-help books __ Sex, drugs, and rock & roll X Biorhythms X Alcohol __ Marijuana __ Bill Clinton __ Tea Leaves __ EST __ Amway __ CompuServe __ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert __ Crystals __ Human sacrifice __ Pyramids X Wandering around a desert X Insurance policies __ Burning shrubbery __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Barney Fife X Other:Magic: The Gathering Cards __ None
7. God reputedly employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer? Circle one below:
(a. More Divine Intervention) b. Less Divine Intervention c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right d. Don't know. e. What's Divine Intervention?
8. God also reputedly attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 your opinion of the handling of the following (1 =unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):
a. Disasters: 1 2 3 4 (5) flood 1 2 3 (4) 5 famine 1 (2) 3 4 5 earthquake (1) 2 3 4 5 war & holocausts 1 2 (3) 4 5 pestilence (1) 2 3 4 5 plague 1 2 3 4 (5) Spam 1 2 3 4 (5) AOL
b. Miracles: (1) 2 3 4 5 rescues 1 2 (3) 4 5 spontaneous remissions 1 2 (3) 4 5 stars hovering over tiny towns & previously unknown hamlets 1 2 3 4 (5) crying statues 1 2 3 4 (5) water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 (5) walking on water 1 (2) 3 4 5 coincidence of any sort (1) 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever
9. From time to time God reputedly makes available the names and addresses of Her/His followers and devotees to selected reputedly divine personages who provide quality services and perform intercessions in His behalf. Are you interested in a compilation of listed offerings?
__ Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit of my own mortal soul X No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious fanatics clamouring for my money
10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)
"Change the church wine to beer (preferrably Samuel Adams or Bud Light)." "Institute Buddy Christ model of Jesus." "Change well-renown symbols of evil from goats and snakes to tigers and canadians."
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Post by FuZzNuT-[TU]- on Feb 20, 2007 3:15:38 GMT -5
LOL
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Ð'Rouen_TU
"Life is what happens when you're busy making other plan." John Lennon
Posts: 477
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Post by Ð'Rouen_TU on Feb 21, 2007 16:17:30 GMT -5
WHY the hell wasn't Johnny Depp included as a prior deity worshiped??? Cindy Crawford??? Heaven forbid!!!
ohhhhhhhh Johnny!!!! hehee ;D
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Mr Burns_TU
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Posts: 526
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Post by Mr Burns_TU on Feb 21, 2007 17:43:11 GMT -5
They have changed the Pirates of the Carribean ride at Disney since 2005 and now have a *very* realistic animatronic version of Mr Depp appearing several times throughout the ride.
Images of large burly security guards struggling to remove D who has clamped herself to one of the figures spring to mind.
hehe
Kr's
Mr.B
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Post by FuZzNuT-[TU]- on Feb 21, 2007 18:15:28 GMT -5
They have changed the Pirates of the Carribean ride at Disney since 2005 and now have a *very* realistic animatronic version of Mr Depp appearing several times throughout the ride. Images of large burly security guards struggling to remove D who has clamped herself to one of the figures spring to mind. hehe Kr's Mr.B LOL!
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Ð'Rouen_TU
"Life is what happens when you're busy making other plan." John Lennon
Posts: 477
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Post by Ð'Rouen_TU on Feb 22, 2007 11:56:20 GMT -5
ACK!!!! No IMAGES OF JOHNNY FOR ME!! I belong to the "REAL THING" generation if u please!!
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